I’ve been looking over blogs recently and, because I have this practice lately where I try random new things to challenge myself, I decided to start a blog. I guess I just need one more creative outlet, a supplement to my knitting, so to speak.
I’ve noticed that some bloggers just write about themselves in the “about me” of the blog and leave out any true background information. The first post rarely has anything to do with where they come from, where they have been, or where they are now. Because part of the purpose for my starting this project involves “living life” as my tagline suggests, I feel I need to share a bit about myself. I’m stepping out into vulnerable territory here and sharing details publicly. I was taught growing up that you don’t air your dirty laundry and that is not what I intend to do here, but I have overcome a great deal in my life and I do believe that is worth celebrating.
I have thought long and hard how I want to share the uglies of my life. I don’t want to shame anyone, I don’t want to bore people with sniveling accounts of how bad I had it in my youth.
I don’t want a pity party.
I want to communicate with grace, forgiveness, and respect for those in my life; what I experienced, how it made me feel, and how I overcame great odds.
I figure the best way to protect the key players in my life (this includes family and peers) would be to not name names and create a list of words that encapsulate my life.
My Life’s Lexicon:
Birth, love, innocence, childhood self-expression, Play, neglect, emotional abuse, impatience, criticism, laughter, abandonment, psychosis, Catholicism, sisters, brothers, conflict, Grace, breaking dishes, anxiety, depression, sadness, friendship, inconsistency, fear, insecurity, acceptance, self-loathing, anger, mental illness, bullying, shame, courage, convenience, judgement, passivity, addiction, Faith, alcoholism, HOPE, passive aggressiveness, broken spirit, narcissism, humor, pressure, confusion, Beauty, nature, adventure, forgiveness, therapy, struggle, God, overcome, healing, empathy, confidence, patience, growth, love, Love, LOve, LOVe, LOVE.
I think you get the point.
I certainly don’t think I had it worse than everyone. I was actually quite privileged, but emotionally bankrupt. I had no clue who I was because I was too busy becoming for people who I thought they wanted me to be. Especially with boys. I lived a life that resulted in my not having the skills necessary to live this thing called Life. My parents did not have the skills to give me and they did their best with what they had and with what they knew. Ultimately, when I became an adult, I realized that the only person who was going to live this life was me. I could no longer blame people for how I turned out, the torch was passed, and I had the responsibility to make this work.
I truly believe that if I had continued on the path I was on that I would not have a life lived.
I have worked very hard to improve myself, make wise decisions, think before I act, and stop being convenient for people who do not have my best interests at heart. The way I overcame a life of anxiety, depression and everything I listed in this blog (and more) was through therapy–lots and lots and lots of therapy. When I get to the point when I unequivocally do not care what people think, I will have reached a milestone. I’m almost there, I can feel it.
I will likely discuss the struggles I have experienced with the intention of being honest about who I am, but also because I know I’m not alone and I’ve the understanding that it helps to know that there are other people out there who have experienced a difficult life. It is my desire to inspire people with this blog if only through the message that it will be okay, there is life after…life. Just breathe deep and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Oh, and if all else fails ask for help.